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I made all the right mistakes….

Dreams…

Have been doing okay last couple of days,,
A lot of dreaming going on..
Saturday I had a dream that my head would start shaking and then I would fall,,My mom (that wasn’t my mom) grabbed me before I hit the ground and held me in her arms..My face went blurry and my face turned into a sort of cat face..ugly kind of evil looking.
I lived in this dark old huge castle..something was going on there..a party or something and my neighbors were there…
I was standing there drinking wine..by myself while everybody was enjoying everything that I was offering…the kids were running outdoor and then it started getting dark..
There was a little waterfall ..but with brown water and I went over there and saw a little foot with all star kind of shoe. I was a kid and I just remember all the adults coming over and shocked.
I can’t tell if I was the one that found the body first or not..but it seemed like everybody was judging me..thinking that I killed the kid,just because of my appearance. I remember feeling lonely, scared..but not guilty…I don’t think i killed the kid.But I was being judged.
I woke up tense after that.
The next day I dreamt that my mom (that lives in my country of origin) came and picked me up at work. Took me to her home and I was going to have lunch there,,,I was talking with my parrot (that was being extreme polite – not like the real one). But then I remembered that I forgot to clock out at work, so I started calling my “love” (that works in the same place as me) to tell him to clock me out. The phone was bad, noise and delayed ..he couldn’t understand me and I was getting aggravated.
I woke up and first thing I told him was to make sure I clock in and out at work.
Just really weird that in a couple of dreams It seems like there us no distance between my country and here. I guess It was my desire that It was like that, as I miss having my family so close again.
Then last night  I dreamt that I was with my love at some sort of mansion that was having a move out sale. We were riding with some other friend. Well I was crazy, the stuff that they were selling was so nice and cheap. I wanted a whole lot of stuff. So my love had to call and hire a truck to come by to get all the stuff. I remember I was walking and pointing everything I wanted. Then I walked to a room where a couple of people was standing and looking and I realized it was a huge wall aquarium…Like huge…but there was no glass holding the water and stuff so it was fascinating.
I remember looking and seem a cute cat but again had cat body and face but his ears were like fish..like they were moving to swim. It was a really cute cat.
But then again I moved to another room and saw a porcelain cat in one coffee table and I caught my attention too (I thought about getting it for my mother in law).
But it’s intriguing for me, to be dreaming so much about cats.
I tried to look online what is the meaning of dreaming with cats and each website has a completely different description,so I don’t know.
Other then that, Saturday night I stayed at home by myself, while my love went to his friend house to play guitar, so I stayed like 8 hours by myself..without going crazy. Yes, I made it. I was able to not even txt him or anything..nor getting worried about making him coming home. I’m sure that It helped that my dog was with me the whole time,she is my partner, won’t ever leaving me alone and It seemed like she was trying to distract me all night.
Well tomorrow is my last day at work before vacation and I’m so ready to take these couple of days off and just relax. Hoping to free my head and get closer to normal.

See ya

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Will you be my friend?

Had an anxiety attack yesterday…had to go home at lunch time to go take my medicine that I left there.
My “love” had to drive me anyway, because since my dark period started I can’t drive anymore..Every time I try I have panic attacks.
I miss driving, miss being more independent.
I wish I had more friends here, but it’s so hard to make friends here in the US, most people have friends from school and I wasn’t here on my school years so it is really hard to find .. Most people just want to be friends because of how much money you have, what kind of car do you drive or because they have  second intentions with you.
You know…I tried the online friend search and most of the girls that replied were lesbians wanting a relationship.. Now, I have nothing against that, I’m bisexual myself..but I’m not looking for a lover, but a friend, best friend hopefully…so so hard!
Maybe someday I will find that, until then I will keep on being lonely.
My ideal best friend would be somebody more like me..I don’t go to clubs, to dance and stuff.. I usually go to rock concerts,festivals and stuff.
Somebody that likes to go shopping, get our nails done together, just hang out, not looking for trouble or hunting for guys and stuff like that.
I have zero restriction about age, race, body or anything like that.
Seems easy huh? No, not really.
Miss my friends back in my country, they were there for me always..Miss my family A LOT.
So  hard being new to a country.
It has been 3 years and I still feel rejected.
My accent doesn’t help much..but everybody says that my english is fine…
I guess my accent make me shy about speaking out..
Don’t know…one more of my issues.. Noted.
Being having insane dreams lately, more like movies, absurd, mixed up, nothing about blood or dead..but just crazy shit..
Crazy mind of mine.

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I used to shine, now I’m just a blur….

Nothing really much going on..
Just dragging my life as usual..
Having some weird dreams again..
Woke up on saturday wanting to see blood..so I spent the day watching “my shows” Forensic Files, and stuff like that that tells REAL murder stories.
Tried again to stop night-time medicine on the weekend and it didn’t work..
I end-up at 4 in the morning laying on the floor of my room in fetal position feeling empty, but agitated..my shoulder heavy,my articulations hurting..my head going on a million miles per hour, feeling as I had a rock in the place of my head and that something was pulsing inside my head.
Took the medicine and was able to go to sleep.
Been thinking about starting to write letters to prisoners, I found a website that provide this service.
I guess I’m just looking forward to get to know people with a more dreadful life than mine, and how do they deal with the emptiness and with  the unknown future.
Had to take also painkillers on sunday because my articulations and shoulder were hurting pretty bad.
Felt numb most of the day..I’m starting to like this feeling…
Dear Diary, do you know how it feels to look in the mirror and not recognize yourself?
Well I do.
I have been noticing for a while that when I look myself in the mirror..all I see in my eyes..is nothing..blank..just nothing…
I use to have such beautiful eyes, sparkling, full of happiness and hope….now nothing..seems like a blank film on a screen.
I start to wonder if my weight gain has something to do with all of that… What I used to see in the mirror was way thinner than what I see now, and being thinner also means being loved more, being welcome more, being good with yourself, being confident..well as of right now..I’m none of it.. So it makes sense, maybe that is part of all the snowball that made me end up being how I am right now.
But how to stop this? How to go back to the old me?
Even talking just about weight..How will I lose all this weight if to fill my emptiness all I do is eat compulsively?
And how will I exercise if all the energy I have I use to drag myself and make myself least 8 hours at work?

U know…
I used to shine, now I’m just a blur……..

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Boring, bored, boredom.

 

Weekend was boring..stuck at home 100% of the time.
By sunday I was feeling a HUGE empty feeling inside me that I was miserable.
Cried a little, my medicine won’t let me cry, so that was like beating the medicine.
I wanted out and couldn’t..just the feeling inside me wanted out..and it wasn’t enough tears..
I got  a knife and pressed against my skin..just to feel physical pain and forget my emotional.
I didn’t mean to hurt me, just wanted one pain to overtake the other. I can take physical pain,can’t take emotional …
I guess my free time gives me time to think about future, and the future make me freak out right now..Just because I’ve always liked to have everything under control and planned..now I just can’t do that..There’s so many questions in the air..so many hopes, so many frustrations, not sure how to put together “future” in my mind in the middle of that mess that has being my life lately.
Other than that I have been more calm at work this last week and today so far, love this…

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Just how the things go…

 

Yesterday was a good day for me, the time passed kinda of fast.
Then at night, I went to bed and did not have my night-time medicine (my doctor want me to stop), woke up at 2:42am and no more sleep for me.
Thinking about so much stuff…non Stop brain work.. woke up tired.
Had a big expectation for today, and it didn’t work out…and surpriselly I’m not as upset as I thought I would be..I mean..I am sad, but I usually would just feel like throwing myself on the ground and crying. Did not do that..just had a couple of tears in my eyes, and took a deep breath and kept my day going.
It must be the little step that everybody talks about..step by step I will get there..
I guess I’m just getting used to getting always the worse out of everything..
Don’t want to get into too many details, as this blog is meant to talk about my feelings, not my problems..but right now..everything is just not going so great for me..in every little thing..except in my relationship, as I said in the post below..he is my everything, my only reason to smile.

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Weekend…

 

So the weekend was great.
Got lots of rest.
Got some of my “love” friends over and I had high anxiety over that. Whenever I was left in the room with the girl, I wanted to started a conversation but I couldn’t so I would just grab my phone and start messing with it. I know..I suck.
Will never make friends being like that.
Other than anxiety was fine..no stress, no nothing.
On sunday I was a little overwelmed by the news that my “love” dad had a broken toe and I did not wanted to leave the bed, but he forced me to..and I’m glad he did. I don’t know where I would be if it wasn’t for him.
Love him so much, he is the best thing that ever happened in my life.

P.s: He still don’t know about my blog. I’m hoping to be able to keep this as a secret, not that I don’t trust him, but because I leave my raw feelings here and I just don’t want him to be more worried than he already is. I’m so tired of being such a trouble in his life.

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FRIDAY!

So feeling better today..yes! it’s Friday!
Went home last night, took my med and crashed. Slept from 7pm to 7am this morning.
No bad dreams, no thoughts,no nothing..
Not as anxious at work today either, my shoulder still hurt, tense, but It’s Friday!!!!
Been thinking that I cannot just go off my meds like that, I will start taking half a pill a day to see how it goes..because yesterday I was a wreck!
On Nikki Sixx words.. “I could’ve killed somebody..or better yet, myself. …”
cliche..but that’s how I feel.
The image of a gun pointed to the head keep on showing in my mind..
The fact is..I don’t know if I’m the one hold the gun, or if I’m the head or neither one of them…
There’s just no faces, just the image of a gun pointed to the head..and it will shoot.
I see blood splattered all over the wall..
Have been seeing this image on my head for a couple of years now.
I love guns, always have. My dad was a sheriff, when he died my mom kept his gun..
When I was young I was always looking for his stuff to keep him close to me…I use to hide his picture under my mattress, my mom found and took away from me.
So I went looking in her closet for something else.
Found the gun in her bikini drawer and I took it.
I hide it in my room, but somehow my brother found it, and it end up in his drawer, so I took it back and so forth ..until my mom found it, and took it away from us as well.
I guess we both were just wanting to have a piece of my dad with us, maybe she thought it was painful for us..but it was comforting.
I end up getting his leather jacket.. that is on my closet up to this date.
My second contact with a hand gun was when I was taking classes to be an flight attendant, I had this teacher that taught us survival on the jungle, and he was a forest cop, the one that make sure nobody is cutting out tree or throwing stuff on the water, etc..
He had a suitcase with a laser gun on it..I saw it one day..I guess he saw the sparkle in my eye.  He told me to stay on the class during lunch break that he would show me.
So I did, we turned off the lights of the classroom  so nobody would see us.
He handed me the gun, that was heavier than I though and I  saw the laser target…LOVED IT!
We had to hide it real quick because one of the guys (not so much of a men,anyway) that was in the class with us came back from break to ask if he could turn the TV on to watch the soap opera. 😦
The teacher told me that he also taught shooting classes, if I would like I could join them.
Well..once again, mom said no..
Yeah, I was 20 years old…but if you knew my mom you would understand. She is very dominating, everything had to be her way, have her permission.
It wasn’t a big issue for me really, only sometimes, mostly during my teenager years. But I guess now I never learned how to make decisions, how to decide by myself, how not to ask permission for everything I do..
You can ask my “love”..I can’t even go to a restaurant and pick what I want to eat..I just can’t…I let him pick for me. Always.And I’m like that at all times in my life.
Well back..3rd time I had a contact with a gun, I was with my cousin and his friend was with him , he was a Sargent and he had a gun on him..yes, with bullets and all.. I asked if I could hold it and asked my cousin to take pictures, next thing I know I’m convincing my cousin to get on the ground and let me point the gun to his head.. (the gun lock was secure). So I did.. took a couple of pictures like that…Pulled his hair to make it look real..Liked it a lot..Feel powerful..but at the same time I feel that I have no control over myself..
So I gave the gun back and after that I always tell people that I love gun, but I do not trust myself with one.
This always come back to my head..I would never hurt people..or would I?
After thinking a lot, the answer is yes, I would if the situation was right..and by right I mean if somebody was trying to hurt a loved one…or doing something bad against a child or something like that.
Like most of you would as well.
Enough for today, it makes me feel like a bad person confessing that, don’t know why…
Hoping for a good weekend.

Me

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hello…

So yeah, not a good day to start…but I have to… I guess as I have nobody else to talk I will make this blog my diary..
So dear diary, I’m having an average day, which means it totally suxs and as usual I wish I didn’t have to live like this anymore..
No, it’s not matter of time, no nothing will change..
That’s it and that’s all and that’s bad and that’s my life.
Had a bad night of sleep, trying to get off my meds, the night-time, at least.
Had a nightmare that somebody broke into my mom’s house, and it was like a teenager kid with a gun, me and my brother got him and we called the police, they didn’t came fast and the kid escaped.
My mom came back home with her boyfriend and they kind of act like this all never happened. My brother is upstairs, I’m in the front room sitting in the couch and I hear a noise like a siren, and I somehow I know that it means that my house is being targeted. A couple of minutes later I receive a text message saying something that I do not remember, but notifying me what was about to happen..
It was a drive by and they shoot my house bad..I didn’t got shot, in fact I don’t think nobody in my house did…but it was bad, lots of noise, lots of windows broken, bad…
Woke up super anxious, nervous, my brain was shaky..is that even possible?
Looked at the clock, it was 2:42am..yeah and that was all the sleep I was going to get.
Came to work (in huge high heels to try to feel better)..
Actually feel pathetic, bored, impatient..all day.
No,that doesn’t mean that the day is over..In fact there’s 2:42 hours left until I get to go home..and I have to figure out how the hell I’m going to survive…
Thanks for listening to me diary, hope you are having a better day than I am.
Love,
me

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