odetosolitude

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I made all the right mistakes….

if not for me..for them.

Had a rough night tonight,

Woke up about 3am and could not go back to sleep.My head was feeling so heavy, the feeling i have is that my brain was swallowing and almost couldn’t fit in my skull, the pain was awful..I tried not to, but i end up knocking my head to see if the pain stops..but it did not. I just hate that…

My muscles were all tied, around my neck, shoulder and back..Just awful pain. And the worse in all of that is that I know is that I make all of that to myself. Because I created all of this in my mind. That’s what I hate the most about being mentally ill ..that’s a hard statement to make, but I guess it’s the truth. I would rather 1000 times have some physical disability than have my mental “issues”. I tell you by a fact, when I slashed my shoulder in 3 pieces, the pain was bearable, yes I can deal with physical pain, not emotional. My mom thought I was funny when I told her that the pain didn’t bother me, but the noise that the bones would make when I moved my arm by accident was very VERY irritating to me. So yeah I could probably cope better having my arm still in this situation than with my head making me “crazy?”. Yeah, stress has being hitting me again..unfortunately.

So I woke up at 3am and even thought about starting my Zoloft in the morning (No, I have not touched it yet), but at 5:00 am my husband woke up and I asked him to go downstairs and get my lorazepam, I took and tried to go back to sleep..I still couldn’t sleep but my muscles felt a little better. I was up a little after 6am. Showered, washed my hair…was dropping everything that I tried to grab, Hair brush, my phone…, when getting inside the car, I slammed my head in the door, as again I could not tell distances…I’m just glad I don’t have to drive.

I end up giving up on starting on zoloft..and I’m glad I did. I have no idea how I’m still able to come to work and act “normal” when I totally far from it.

At this point I’m pretty sure I would end my life if it wasn’t for my mom, my grandma and my husband. So I just got keep on going..if not for me..for them.

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