odetosolitude

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I made all the right mistakes….

if not for me..for them.

Had a rough night tonight,

Woke up about 3am and could not go back to sleep.My head was feeling so heavy, the feeling i have is that my brain was swallowing and almost couldn’t fit in my skull, the pain was awful..I tried not to, but i end up knocking my head to see if the pain stops..but it did not. I just hate that…

My muscles were all tied, around my neck, shoulder and back..Just awful pain. And the worse in all of that is that I know is that I make all of that to myself. Because I created all of this in my mind. That’s what I hate the most about being mentally ill ..that’s a hard statement to make, but I guess it’s the truth. I would rather 1000 times have some physical disability than have my mental “issues”. I tell you by a fact, when I slashed my shoulder in 3 pieces, the pain was bearable, yes I can deal with physical pain, not emotional. My mom thought I was funny when I told her that the pain didn’t bother me, but the noise that the bones would make when I moved my arm by accident was very VERY irritating to me. So yeah I could probably cope better having my arm still in this situation than with my head making me “crazy?”. Yeah, stress has being hitting me again..unfortunately.

So I woke up at 3am and even thought about starting my Zoloft in the morning (No, I have not touched it yet), but at 5:00 am my husband woke up and I asked him to go downstairs and get my lorazepam, I took and tried to go back to sleep..I still couldn’t sleep but my muscles felt a little better. I was up a little after 6am. Showered, washed my hair…was dropping everything that I tried to grab, Hair brush, my phone…, when getting inside the car, I slammed my head in the door, as again I could not tell distances…I’m just glad I don’t have to drive.

I end up giving up on starting on zoloft..and I’m glad I did. I have no idea how I’m still able to come to work and act “normal” when I totally far from it.

At this point I’m pretty sure I would end my life if it wasn’t for my mom, my grandma and my husband. So I just got keep on going..if not for me..for them.

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Back again…

So I know it has been a while.
In the last post I mentioned that I was planning on getting off my meds.
I was kind of of planning on stop gradually, but in the end I just went cold turkey.
Stopped Cymbalta and Lorazepan. Also finished my birth control for the month and I’m done with that as well.
I actually made a note about that on my email so I can keep track of it.
Stopped Birth Control: 10/19/11 (Wednesday)
Stopped Cymbalta + Lorazepan: 10/25/11 (Tuesday)
So I thought it was a good idea to stop right before going on vacation so I had a couple of days to adjust to it away from work to avoid some triggers, so on the 27 of October (Thursday) I went to Las Vegas, we spent the rest of the weekend there and came back the following Monday.
I was totally out of myself. I had serious dizziness, like I tried to walk and would run into wall.
I bumped my head when trying to get in the car because I wasn’t able to tell the exact distance or anything.
My hands were shaking badly, to a point that I was embarrassed of people noticing….
I had some hot and cold flashes out of nowhere. My bones were aching in the inside of my whole body and sometimes the pain would get so irritating that I would just hit myself on that spot to try to make it stop.
I started feeling numbness inside one of my ears, then it went through my whole head, and then there was a feeling that my brain was separated from my skull and kind of loose in there. From there the numbness went down my spine and soon after spread through my arms and legs. That would happen most often when I lay in bed ready to go to sleep, and would get irritated with the numb feeling, especially in my arms and spine, so I would be constantly popping my shoulder and arms and stretching my back to try to make it stop.
On Sunday night Oct 30, I was very tired, had a long day shopping in Vegas and was really dizzy so I went to bed and absolutely crashed. My husband said that at about 3 am he woke up with me laughing compulsively or crying, he couldn’t tell because I was kind of hysterical. So he thought I was having a nightmare and came closer to hold me and said everything was OK. He realized that I did not stop and so he actually came and tried to wake me up.
When he woke me up I kind of thought that he was looking for something that he couldn’t find, so I was just like asking “what? what do you want?” Like nothing happened.
Last thing I remember was that I was laying in bad and he was checking some sports stuff on his laptop sitting on the desk.
And right before going to bed I packed our stuff..so I immediately though that he was asking for something that I packed.
Not sure what that was.
So as soon as I got back home, I was researching and actually found people comparing the withdrawal of cymbalta with the withdrawal of heroin.
It shocked me, how did my doctor give me such a thing? Never mentioned that I would go through hell and beyond to get out of it eventually. Did she ever think I would get off of it? Or did she expect me to stay on medicine the rest of my life?
So I gave up on her. I read online that taking fish oil and B12 would help me with the withdrawal symptoms, and started taking it. I honestly think it helped, I’m still taking it, and I plan to keep on taking them for at least 3 months.
So now it has been over 2 weeks since I stopped and I actually feel okay. The dizziness is still there, but only about 10% of what it was at first and the numbness comes and go, mostly at night, let’s say 30% of what it was.
I have been experiencing some anxiousness, and craving sweets again…so then I eat it until it makes me sick.
So I ordered some 100% natural hoodia godoni to see if it will help me solve these cravings. Should be starting taking it by the end of the week.
At work, I have been getting headaches almost daily, caused by stress and I guess frustration…just normal.
Those two points were 2 of my major concerns when I started my psychiatric treatment..and well…here they are back..so I guess yeah, she did expect me to stay on medicine for forever.
On the other hand, one other point that was a big issue was that I would start crying anytime, anywhere, over anything… Just hysterical crying.
Then the bad thoughts of hurting myself would eventually show up.
Now I know it’s still too early to celebrate, but those two points are still stable, no crying or bad thoughts..so far so good. So I’m actually “happy”.
Putting a lot of thought in how to improve myself, and how to fight barriers that stress me out or frustrate me, and try to get my anxiety under control.
Most of all trying to keep myself straight and thinking of myself as a capable human being that has a lot of strength inside to fight this fight and not give up and become dependent on anything, especially not medicines.
Yesterday I had a really, really stressful day, got home exhausted, but yet I was able to pull through..did not cry not one tear… but yeah my mind was gone for the day.
Driving home after work I decided to “suicide,” that’s what I call it when I really need to make myself explode with sugar. It’s no secret that sugar makes me feel better, so I stopped at a coldstone creamery and got myself two of their ice cream desserts. Felt better overall.
Still when bed time came I still had my head spinning from the crazy day, so I decided to give in and take my lorazepan just to help me sleep, or else I would be crushed to come to work today. It worked, I slept like a princess.
I do feel guilty about taking the pill, but I guess it’s not as bad if you don’t take it daily. I guess I can consider the circumstances an “emergency”, and the fact that lorazepan works so effectively for me even that way is very encouraging.
I can’t wait to go to my doctor (gynecologist) and see what she has to say about taking pre-natal vitamins and my history with those other psychiatric drugs.
I made an appointment for 12/12, to get checked and see how is my health overall and how ready my body is for a pregnancy. I’m picking this doctor for the fact that she is considered one of the best ones around here, that’s why my appointment is so far away.
I did go to another doctor to do a full check up, my asthma and stuff, even got all gynecological exams done and full blood work.
I had a little bit of high cholesterol, but the doctor said that a little diet and exercise should take care of that, and that’s my goal anyway before getting pregnant.
I had very low vitamin D, and I didn’t even know what that was really, so she gave me 4 super high doses of pills to take and bring my level up. After that she told me to keep on taking vitamin D 2000 every day.
My B12 was also low, so she recommended that I take a vitamin for that, too (it makes me pee all the time).
My asthma was bad as usual, maybe worse because of the weather change, so she started me on another inhaler.
Then I told her about my withdrawal and all, and she didn’t think I should stay without any medicine, so she gave me a prescription for Zoloft, and she said it would be fine to take through pregnancy and told me to then whenever I go to my appointment with the gynecologist to discuss with her what she thinks is best, either keep taking this or do something else (or nothing at all).
I did fill the prescription for zoloft, but the bottle has been sitting on my kitchen counter unopened, and it keeps staring at me while I try to ignore it.
I just want to be “clean”.. .want to have a healthy body and mind…

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