odetosolitude

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I made all the right mistakes….

So..the same…

So went to my psychiatrist yesterday, we talked for 10min and I was out of there with a prescription for 5 months. She kept me the same with Cymbalta and Ativan.

I didn’t mention the panic attacks anymore, don’t want to be asked again  to check in in a hospital, I know y life, If I get out of my routine I will just exclude myself more and more for “normal” life and make things worse. I know the meds won’t cure me, so I need to make something to confront my fears and problems to overpower them. First of all I need to overcome my “anti-social” problem. I’m getting to a point where I can’t stand people, voices, around me, real bad. Even at work, I’m glad my dept is on a isolated area where I just have to deal with 5 people most of the time, and I tell you some days is hard! I get really anxious and irritated, I just want to get out of there and be alone.

I have noticing that I have been avoiding even my family, and that’s not good.

As of right now, I have no friends, thats right zero friends, and that’s no help at all, as I could be going out to movie theaters, or anything like that, I just to get started fighting this anti-social problem. I know I have my husband, but when I’m with him, I leave all in his hands, I’m like a toddler, I feel like he is protecting me, when there’s too many people around I just grab his wrist as hard as I can, and he even help me to take a deep breath, a friend would be there for me, but i wouldnt be grabbing her wrist or making her breath with me to calm me down and avoid me to have another panic attack, instead I would have to face it myself, and I think that would be good. But no, I don’t have that.

I have been meaning to post here my history, and how the mental illness developed into my life so I been writing a little every day because it hurts me a lot, so I’m almost to a point of finishing and I hope to post here this weekend. I think it has been helped me associate some of my traumas when I write them down, and I’m starting to understand what brought each of the feeling and behaviors that i have relating to all that happened in my life. I guess sometimes we have to dig deeper than what you can see through the scars.

Hope everybody have a good weekend, my will be at home as usual, my safe place.

 

 

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One Response

  1. The Quiet Borderline says:

    I can really identify with you when you talk about many things.

    I also work with a group of around 5 people (max) at work and also get very antsy when I am around them a lot and just can’t wait to get out of there most of the time.

    I’m also very isolated and have no friends, unless you can call my sister my friend, that’s it. I find it very difficult to meet people and make friends. It’s not that I am somehow inept, I just find that it takes so much time and effort in building a friendship with someone and always feel that they are busy with their own lives.

    Be well and I wish you all the best,

    The Quiet Borderline
    http://quietbpd.wordpress.com/

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