odetosolitude

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I made all the right mistakes….

Decisions…

Not much happening..
Been kind of stable lately..
Thinking about getting off Cymbalta, I have been reading some scary reviews mentioning how much trouble is to get off it, and I just don’t want to get myself deeper into that, plus Cymbalta cannot be taken by pregnant woman, and at this point I decided that I do want to have a baby, probably get pregnant next year, and I want to have my body clean of all this junk.
Yeah, I understand, I’m not cured,but I think that I faced a lot of things that was stressing me out and now I feel better moving on, hoping to be able to manage the stress and to head for a healthy life.
I promised myself that I will work as hard as I can to lose this weight that Cymbalta made me gain, and be physically healthy again.
I know..I’m not cured, I don’t think I ever will, but I just took the decision of not letting the medicine become part of my life while I still can try to fight it.
I need to give myself this change and see in a couple of months if I will be able to be who I’m supposed to be, and If I will be able to handle having a baby or not. (Not) is always a possibility and I’m open for it, I would rather not have a child than have one and not be able to cope and more than anything be the mom that this child deserves me to be. So yeah, we will see.

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So..the same…

So went to my psychiatrist yesterday, we talked for 10min and I was out of there with a prescription for 5 months. She kept me the same with Cymbalta and Ativan.

I didn’t mention the panic attacks anymore, don’t want to be asked againĀ  to check in in a hospital, I know y life, If I get out of my routine I will just exclude myself more and more for “normal” life and make things worse. I know the meds won’t cure me, so I need to make something to confront my fears and problems to overpower them. First of all I need to overcome my “anti-social” problem. I’m getting to a point where I can’t stand people, voices, around me, real bad. Even at work, I’m glad my dept is on a isolated area where I just have to deal with 5 people most of the time, and I tell you some days is hard! I get really anxious and irritated, I just want to get out of there and be alone.

I have noticing that I have been avoiding even my family, and that’s not good.

As of right now, I have no friends, thats right zero friends, and that’s no help at all, as I could be going out to movie theaters, or anything like that, I just to get started fighting this anti-social problem. I know I have my husband, but when I’m with him, I leave all in his hands, I’m like a toddler, I feel like he is protecting me, when there’s too many people around I just grab his wrist as hard as I can, and he even help me to take a deep breath, a friend would be there for me, but i wouldnt be grabbing her wrist or making her breath with me to calm me down and avoid me to have another panic attack, instead I would have to face it myself, and I think that would be good. But no, I don’t have that.

I have been meaning to post here my history, and how the mental illness developed into my life so I been writing a little every day because it hurts me a lot, so I’m almost to a point of finishing and I hope to post here this weekend. I think it has been helped me associate some of my traumas when I write them down, and I’m starting to understand what brought each of the feeling and behaviors that i have relating to all that happened in my life. I guess sometimes we have to dig deeper than what you can see through the scars.

Hope everybody have a good weekend, my will be at home as usual, my safe place.

 

 

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