I made all the right mistakes….

Having a really bad day at work today. Usually every Friday I’m sick and tired of my dear boss, he speaks so loud and all day long, most of the time he tries to give opinions about shit he doesn’t even know and get all confused and confuses everybody else too. Everybody here at work thinks he is a joke, nobody likes him. Nobody but the owners I would guess, I mean they don’t have much respect for him either, it’s just that is not acceptable to have woman as leaders of departments apparently, so they had to find a dumb ass that can be the “supervisor”. Well he basically most of the time is lost in his emails all day, confused about something and needing me to explaining to him and decide how to fix or whatever. So I basically do all his job while he is just here being a dumb-ass. Sorry for the words. but it really upsets me. As if that wasn’t enough, he is always on the phone on personal conversations and he doesn’t even step outside for that, he stays here bothering us with his annoying loud voice and we know everything that is going on in his life and shit. Its almost like he has nobody else to share so he want us to listen. He likes, he likes me a lot, of course, he knows I’m always here saving his ass, but he thinks I’m his friend and wants to talk with me about his daughters, family, tv shows, football, etc…Some days I listen to it all day..then Friday’s I’m really sick of it..his voice keeps echoing in my head and makes me really aggravated so he keeps on talking with me and i keep on looking at my monitor acting busy and just giving him the “yep, wow, Haha….and he doesn’t realize that this mean I don’t fucking care,leave me alone… He made me went through the death of his wife like I was part of the family, I knew when she had doctor, what part they were cutting out, what medications she was in, etc etc etc.. Like, I’m sorry that is happening, but I’m weak I would rather not be involved, you know? Some days that put me really down. Now that she died, he makes sure to tells that to everybody.His last daughter that was living with him and the wife didn’t wait a week before her mom’s death to move out…Even his daughter can’t stand him…and here I am geez.. Most would say, just quit your job…but I really like my job, they all respect what I do and most know that I’m really the one running this department, I really like that I have my husband in the same company too. So yeah..Just took my lorazepam and let’s hope for the end of the day.


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My days…

Have been doing well, I guess,..
Had an anxiety attack on Saturday, but my husband was with me so he made me feel better.
I’m going on another appointment with my psychiatrist on Friday so we will see where I am at.
I stopped taking my night-time medicine as my doctor wanted so that’s an improvement.
The bad side is that since I stopped I have been feeling very tired during the day, as I wake up many times at night and have difficulty going back to sleep. And I also have been having very bad headache, mostly on the right side of my head and middle of my forehead.
And I have been going crazy on candies to stop my anxiety, not sure if it works but makes me feel better been snaking in candy all day.
I have been gaining weight like crazy, make me feel horrible, but I don’t know how to stop it.
Have been having to buy new pants every month because I just can’t fit in th ones I have.
The bad dreams stopped, I guess the night-time medicine had something to do with it..Now I keep on having dreams but not bad..just normal, silly ones.
Have been starting thinking about having a baby..Should I? Could I?

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Upside down………?

Had a troubled night of sleep, lots of thought running through my mind..nothing bad, but kept me awake most of the night because my brain was working non-stop.
Had maybe 3 hrs of sleep, dreamed of course..Nothing bizarre..My husband,my mom and I were at a spa resort, that was familiar to me, I had been there before and I knew their schedule. I said that the dinner would probably be spaghetti.
I remember first thing when I got there I noticed that I forgot my deodorant and I was looking around to see if they had a store around so that I could buy it.
We spent some time at the pool and my husband flip-flop disappeared after we went swimming. We were a little upset about that.
We went upstairs to take a shower before dinner and the rooms were almost militar like, a bunch of bunk beds and it was dark, very dark.
I end up at the dinner by myself..don’t know why..but I was at this table with some other girls and one girl kept hitting on me, she was a butch lesbian and I remember it wasn’t my type so I wasn’t very happy about it.
So I left because people were getting drunk and I did not want to be around.
I went to get the elevator, it looked normal from the outside, but when it opened and I got inside it seemed like a lily flower (white) so I got inside, and selected my floor..the door shut and the lily turned upside down so I had to hold in a side handle because the top still had a little part open..scary!
Nothing much after that..I went to my dark room and that was it.
Doing fine at work today.I.m so impressed how much better I am doing at work, make me be scared of living without the medicines..:(

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Anxiety my old friend…

Other than my dreams, yesterday I was pretty anxious and impatient at work,wanted to shoot my boss because he wouldn’t shut up on the phone (personal calls).
Had to msg my husband and ask him to get me out of here (take me for lunch).
Today I’m okay, but I brought my anxiety medicine with me just in case.

No weird scary dream last night!! \o/
Just a plain normal dream..
My mom had built this business for my brother it seems like a video rental and in the other side used stuff for sale. And in the back there was 5 bedrooms ..really nice shaped house, all made with really nice shiny wood.
But I had one complaint..instead of having a regular stairs to go down to the rooms, from the business they had a ladder on the wall for you to go down. And I was pissed about it, I could not understand how they could have built this awesome house with a ladder..
And my grandfather (that passed away 6 years ago) was with us and was a struggle for him to make up and down these ladders.
So they decide to put a cable connecting upstairs to downstairs and you had to go though the cable …and my mom was showing how easy it was to climb the cable and I was still pissed telling how much easier would be to build a staircase.
In the end we were  upstairs, my aunt, uncle, cousins, grandma, grandpa, my mom, my brother and my husband eating deserts (there was a buffet with many deserts and salt snacks.) So me and Danny my cousin were eating deserts non-stop..I remember offering a coxinha (pastry) to my grandpa but he wasn’t feeling good..
He fell on the ground on his knees and everybody was trying to help him, his legs gave up on him.
That was interesting because about 3 years before he got diagnosed with Alzheimer’s he had a fall, and was complaining about his legs, I remember that on that week I had a  dream of seeing my grandpa sitting on his living room with his legs amputated and later on being on a wheelchair.
I woke up crying and went to sleep with my mom, she made me calm down.
Years later he would be riding the wheelchair, but he did not have his legs amputated. He did stay as a vegetable in bed for about 3 years before dying. It was very hard on my whole family and more than anything for him, as he was always an independent man, to depend on everybody for everything was hard, mom grandma said that every time they had to change his diaper or something like that he would have tears in his eyes.
At the end of the dream I remember my husband saying that he would love to live in that house. And that was about it.

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More of the same…

So yet another crazy dream..
Started out with me in a hotel (I guess) or apartment, I was going up the stairs and saw a bunch of people going around a drink machine, that was giving away free drink (alcohol) bottles..everybody was grabbing as many as they could and running away. So I grabbed a couple too, the name of one of them was Demonika and I was thinking “my love will love that one”. So I got into the elevator and It was heavy and hard to carry as I had a couple of bottles in my arms plus my big purse.
So then I get to the apartment and I see my husband with this woman in bed (it was a girl who was in college with me and I was browsing my pictures yesterday and saw one pic with her), last I heard from her she was pregnant. She was always non-sense and not really had many friends not even me, but she was always lingering with my group at school…So anyway..I walk in there and they are in bed, not naked or anything just sleeping clothes, I get an upsetting feeling but don’t say anything yet. He call me in bed as well and then I ask: WTF is that? and he goes..its fine..don’t remember the rest, but next thing I look in the middle of the comforter and there’s a baby there.. then I go: a fucking baby too? WTF?
I was really upset. I take off…go down the elevator and at this time there’s cop’s around the drink machine and they are putting cement (I know ,i know) to fix the problem..and the machine goes back to working normal again.
So I walk through the city long time, it rains, i get a little wet..I will go to an airport but can’t get any flight,so I go to my mom’s house, and we go to my grandma’s house and meet grandma and my aunt there…my aunt and grandma leave for the airport, we were doing some sort of standing by….so me and my mom are having dinner,,,I tell her to call my aunt to see if they got into the flight..it was 6:30pm..they answer and said that they didn’t, then at 8:30pm we call again and they don’t answer so we figure they got in…I get pretty anxious and I want to go to the airport get in a flight too, but my mom want me to sleep and then we go in the morning…then we are at the streets around the airport, somebody stole my purse, I’m looking in some trash, wet leaves and wrappers in the street for my passport (really upset) …….and I end up at the lobby of the apartments again..the machine is giving drinks away again..
Yep that was the dream… woke up tired again.

Now that I have more time than I had yesterday I can describe the dream from last night better too.
I was at my aunt’s house and everything looked familiar, and stuff…but the house was more kinda like my mom’s house..a big open patio on the second floor that gives a nice view of the pool.
So we are up there  (my aunt, uncle, cousins, and 3 more people or so) looking at the pool ..we have swimsuits on and towels wrapped around ourselves.
The pool is amazing, surrounded by rocks, and color spot lights, it’s night-time..
We all go swimming, except my aunt and uncle.
They are all having fun, so I got into the pool and start having fun too..something touch’s my leg, so I grab it and it’s a body, in decomposed situation..like the eyes are fog and kinda white, the skin is pale and purple-ish.
I jump out of the pool in a flash..nobody else seem to care. I notice that there’s a lot of bodies  all over the pool that I can see now because of the spotlights.
I don’t make a big fuss about it or anything..everybody seems fine about it.
Next I’m in a hotel parking lot..apparently Madonna is going to stay there..so I walk through a hotel back door and get to her room, there’s a bunch of workers there putting up food and fixing all her requests..I walked in there feeling confident and I ask if they got her the cheese she asked.  (I was lying that I was her assistant)
Next thing I walk to my car put a swimsuit on and walk to an area of the hotel where it seems that it was a garden that has been flooded, and a lot of famous people are swimming there..I remember swimming with Eric “from True Blood” and thinking that he was a big guy.
The water was strong in there…like an ocean so It kept dragging me around and turning me upside down..it made me tired again when I woke up. I have a headache too.

I have been noticing that my dreams always have something that got into my mind for a second or two during the day..Like the picture of the girl..I was just browsing though my pics, so I looked at it for like 2 sec and did not though anything about it…then Eric I saw it on the show and remember making a comment to my husband..”his hands are huge” when he touched Sookies face. Don’t know where Madonna came from or bodies …??? There is a lot of more details to the dream..but if I was going to write it all would be like a movie. There’s a lot of feelings and emotions that I strongly feel, and even smells and touches, familiar feeling, weird feelings, etc..

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I’m back!!!

Had a great vacation. Cancun is great, got to relax a lot. Feeling like I recharged my batteries. Feeling better, but came back and had to catch up on work and started taking some classes in Plano (about an hour drive from home). The classes are mandatory but SOOOOOO boring I can barely stay awake. I get also highly agitated, anxious, have no patience as they go over and over the same thing 3 days in a row (specially because those days are my Friday night, whole Saturday/Sunday morning to evening.

Other than that I have been doing great, been wanting to stop my medicines probably in November, I have a return to my psychiatrist next month so I will check what does she thing about me getting off the meds and maybe try therapy or something like that. Want to start over, and stronger without meds. God help me.

Last weekend I dreamed twice with snakes. Yesterday I dreamed with an awesome pretty pool, but it had bodies of dead people on it. I was swimming on it..but once I realized the bodies I got off and was disgusted. Again I have not had any thought of suicide or hurting myself…don’t understand why I keep on having those weird dreams.. My creativity has been over the top lately. The dreams are long and full of details..I even wake up tired after all night dreaming. Jeez…

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