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I made all the right mistakes….

if not for me..for them.

Had a rough night tonight,

Woke up about 3am and could not go back to sleep.My head was feeling so heavy, the feeling i have is that my brain was swallowing and almost couldn’t fit in my skull, the pain was awful..I tried not to, but i end up knocking my head to see if the pain stops..but it did not. I just hate that…

My muscles were all tied, around my neck, shoulder and back..Just awful pain. And the worse in all of that is that I know is that I make all of that to myself. Because I created all of this in my mind. That’s what I hate the most about being mentally ill ..that’s a hard statement to make, but I guess it’s the truth. I would rather 1000 times have some physical disability than have my mental “issues”. I tell you by a fact, when I slashed my shoulder in 3 pieces, the pain was bearable, yes I can deal with physical pain, not emotional. My mom thought I was funny when I told her that the pain didn’t bother me, but the noise that the bones would make when I moved my arm by accident was very VERY irritating to me. So yeah I could probably cope better having my arm still in this situation than with my head making me “crazy?”. Yeah, stress has being hitting me again..unfortunately.

So I woke up at 3am and even thought about starting my Zoloft in the morning (No, I have not touched it yet), but at 5:00 am my husband woke up and I asked him to go downstairs and get my lorazepam, I took and tried to go back to sleep..I still couldn’t sleep but my muscles felt a little better. I was up a little after 6am. Showered, washed my hair…was dropping everything that I tried to grab, Hair brush, my phone…, when getting inside the car, I slammed my head in the door, as again I could not tell distances…I’m just glad I don’t have to drive.

I end up giving up on starting on zoloft..and I’m glad I did. I have no idea how I’m still able to come to work and act “normal” when I totally far from it.

At this point I’m pretty sure I would end my life if it wasn’t for my mom, my grandma and my husband. So I just got keep on going..if not for me..for them.

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Back again…

So I know it has been a while.
In the last post I mentioned that I was planning on getting off my meds.
I was kind of of planning on stop gradually, but in the end I just went cold turkey.
Stopped Cymbalta and Lorazepan. Also finished my birth control for the month and I’m done with that as well.
I actually made a note about that on my email so I can keep track of it.
Stopped Birth Control: 10/19/11 (Wednesday)
Stopped Cymbalta + Lorazepan: 10/25/11 (Tuesday)
So I thought it was a good idea to stop right before going on vacation so I had a couple of days to adjust to it away from work to avoid some triggers, so on the 27 of October (Thursday) I went to Las Vegas, we spent the rest of the weekend there and came back the following Monday.
I was totally out of myself. I had serious dizziness, like I tried to walk and would run into wall.
I bumped my head when trying to get in the car because I wasn’t able to tell the exact distance or anything.
My hands were shaking badly, to a point that I was embarrassed of people noticing….
I had some hot and cold flashes out of nowhere. My bones were aching in the inside of my whole body and sometimes the pain would get so irritating that I would just hit myself on that spot to try to make it stop.
I started feeling numbness inside one of my ears, then it went through my whole head, and then there was a feeling that my brain was separated from my skull and kind of loose in there. From there the numbness went down my spine and soon after spread through my arms and legs. That would happen most often when I lay in bed ready to go to sleep, and would get irritated with the numb feeling, especially in my arms and spine, so I would be constantly popping my shoulder and arms and stretching my back to try to make it stop.
On Sunday night Oct 30, I was very tired, had a long day shopping in Vegas and was really dizzy so I went to bed and absolutely crashed. My husband said that at about 3 am he woke up with me laughing compulsively or crying, he couldn’t tell because I was kind of hysterical. So he thought I was having a nightmare and came closer to hold me and said everything was OK. He realized that I did not stop and so he actually came and tried to wake me up.
When he woke me up I kind of thought that he was looking for something that he couldn’t find, so I was just like asking “what? what do you want?” Like nothing happened.
Last thing I remember was that I was laying in bad and he was checking some sports stuff on his laptop sitting on the desk.
And right before going to bed I packed our stuff..so I immediately though that he was asking for something that I packed.
Not sure what that was.
So as soon as I got back home, I was researching and actually found people comparing the withdrawal of cymbalta with the withdrawal of heroin.
It shocked me, how did my doctor give me such a thing? Never mentioned that I would go through hell and beyond to get out of it eventually. Did she ever think I would get off of it? Or did she expect me to stay on medicine the rest of my life?
So I gave up on her. I read online that taking fish oil and B12 would help me with the withdrawal symptoms, and started taking it. I honestly think it helped, I’m still taking it, and I plan to keep on taking them for at least 3 months.
So now it has been over 2 weeks since I stopped and I actually feel okay. The dizziness is still there, but only about 10% of what it was at first and the numbness comes and go, mostly at night, let’s say 30% of what it was.
I have been experiencing some anxiousness, and craving sweets again…so then I eat it until it makes me sick.
So I ordered some 100% natural hoodia godoni to see if it will help me solve these cravings. Should be starting taking it by the end of the week.
At work, I have been getting headaches almost daily, caused by stress and I guess frustration…just normal.
Those two points were 2 of my major concerns when I started my psychiatric treatment..and well…here they are back..so I guess yeah, she did expect me to stay on medicine for forever.
On the other hand, one other point that was a big issue was that I would start crying anytime, anywhere, over anything… Just hysterical crying.
Then the bad thoughts of hurting myself would eventually show up.
Now I know it’s still too early to celebrate, but those two points are still stable, no crying or bad thoughts..so far so good. So I’m actually “happy”.
Putting a lot of thought in how to improve myself, and how to fight barriers that stress me out or frustrate me, and try to get my anxiety under control.
Most of all trying to keep myself straight and thinking of myself as a capable human being that has a lot of strength inside to fight this fight and not give up and become dependent on anything, especially not medicines.
Yesterday I had a really, really stressful day, got home exhausted, but yet I was able to pull through..did not cry not one tear… but yeah my mind was gone for the day.
Driving home after work I decided to “suicide,” that’s what I call it when I really need to make myself explode with sugar. It’s no secret that sugar makes me feel better, so I stopped at a coldstone creamery and got myself two of their ice cream desserts. Felt better overall.
Still when bed time came I still had my head spinning from the crazy day, so I decided to give in and take my lorazepan just to help me sleep, or else I would be crushed to come to work today. It worked, I slept like a princess.
I do feel guilty about taking the pill, but I guess it’s not as bad if you don’t take it daily. I guess I can consider the circumstances an “emergency”, and the fact that lorazepan works so effectively for me even that way is very encouraging.
I can’t wait to go to my doctor (gynecologist) and see what she has to say about taking pre-natal vitamins and my history with those other psychiatric drugs.
I made an appointment for 12/12, to get checked and see how is my health overall and how ready my body is for a pregnancy. I’m picking this doctor for the fact that she is considered one of the best ones around here, that’s why my appointment is so far away.
I did go to another doctor to do a full check up, my asthma and stuff, even got all gynecological exams done and full blood work.
I had a little bit of high cholesterol, but the doctor said that a little diet and exercise should take care of that, and that’s my goal anyway before getting pregnant.
I had very low vitamin D, and I didn’t even know what that was really, so she gave me 4 super high doses of pills to take and bring my level up. After that she told me to keep on taking vitamin D 2000 every day.
My B12 was also low, so she recommended that I take a vitamin for that, too (it makes me pee all the time).
My asthma was bad as usual, maybe worse because of the weather change, so she started me on another inhaler.
Then I told her about my withdrawal and all, and she didn’t think I should stay without any medicine, so she gave me a prescription for Zoloft, and she said it would be fine to take through pregnancy and told me to then whenever I go to my appointment with the gynecologist to discuss with her what she thinks is best, either keep taking this or do something else (or nothing at all).
I did fill the prescription for zoloft, but the bottle has been sitting on my kitchen counter unopened, and it keeps staring at me while I try to ignore it.
I just want to be “clean”.. .want to have a healthy body and mind…

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Decisions…

Not much happening..
Been kind of stable lately..
Thinking about getting off Cymbalta, I have been reading some scary reviews mentioning how much trouble is to get off it, and I just don’t want to get myself deeper into that, plus Cymbalta cannot be taken by pregnant woman, and at this point I decided that I do want to have a baby, probably get pregnant next year, and I want to have my body clean of all this junk.
Yeah, I understand, I’m not cured,but I think that I faced a lot of things that was stressing me out and now I feel better moving on, hoping to be able to manage the stress and to head for a healthy life.
I promised myself that I will work as hard as I can to lose this weight that Cymbalta made me gain, and be physically healthy again.
I know..I’m not cured, I don’t think I ever will, but I just took the decision of not letting the medicine become part of my life while I still can try to fight it.
I need to give myself this change and see in a couple of months if I will be able to be who I’m supposed to be, and If I will be able to handle having a baby or not. (Not) is always a possibility and I’m open for it, I would rather not have a child than have one and not be able to cope and more than anything be the mom that this child deserves me to be. So yeah, we will see.

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So..the same…

So went to my psychiatrist yesterday, we talked for 10min and I was out of there with a prescription for 5 months. She kept me the same with Cymbalta and Ativan.

I didn’t mention the panic attacks anymore, don’t want to be asked again  to check in in a hospital, I know y life, If I get out of my routine I will just exclude myself more and more for “normal” life and make things worse. I know the meds won’t cure me, so I need to make something to confront my fears and problems to overpower them. First of all I need to overcome my “anti-social” problem. I’m getting to a point where I can’t stand people, voices, around me, real bad. Even at work, I’m glad my dept is on a isolated area where I just have to deal with 5 people most of the time, and I tell you some days is hard! I get really anxious and irritated, I just want to get out of there and be alone.

I have noticing that I have been avoiding even my family, and that’s not good.

As of right now, I have no friends, thats right zero friends, and that’s no help at all, as I could be going out to movie theaters, or anything like that, I just to get started fighting this anti-social problem. I know I have my husband, but when I’m with him, I leave all in his hands, I’m like a toddler, I feel like he is protecting me, when there’s too many people around I just grab his wrist as hard as I can, and he even help me to take a deep breath, a friend would be there for me, but i wouldnt be grabbing her wrist or making her breath with me to calm me down and avoid me to have another panic attack, instead I would have to face it myself, and I think that would be good. But no, I don’t have that.

I have been meaning to post here my history, and how the mental illness developed into my life so I been writing a little every day because it hurts me a lot, so I’m almost to a point of finishing and I hope to post here this weekend. I think it has been helped me associate some of my traumas when I write them down, and I’m starting to understand what brought each of the feeling and behaviors that i have relating to all that happened in my life. I guess sometimes we have to dig deeper than what you can see through the scars.

Hope everybody have a good weekend, my will be at home as usual, my safe place.

 

 

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Having a really bad day at work today. Usually every Friday I’m sick and tired of my dear boss, he speaks so loud and all day long, most of the time he tries to give opinions about shit he doesn’t even know and get all confused and confuses everybody else too. Everybody here at work thinks he is a joke, nobody likes him. Nobody but the owners I would guess, I mean they don’t have much respect for him either, it’s just that is not acceptable to have woman as leaders of departments apparently, so they had to find a dumb ass that can be the “supervisor”. Well he basically most of the time is lost in his emails all day, confused about something and needing me to explaining to him and decide how to fix or whatever. So I basically do all his job while he is just here being a dumb-ass. Sorry for the words. but it really upsets me. As if that wasn’t enough, he is always on the phone on personal conversations and he doesn’t even step outside for that, he stays here bothering us with his annoying loud voice and we know everything that is going on in his life and shit. Its almost like he has nobody else to share so he want us to listen. He likes, he likes me a lot, of course, he knows I’m always here saving his ass, but he thinks I’m his friend and wants to talk with me about his daughters, family, tv shows, football, etc…Some days I listen to it all day..then Friday’s I’m really sick of it..his voice keeps echoing in my head and makes me really aggravated so he keeps on talking with me and i keep on looking at my monitor acting busy and just giving him the “yep, wow, Haha….and he doesn’t realize that this mean I don’t fucking care,leave me alone… He made me went through the death of his wife like I was part of the family, I knew when she had doctor, what part they were cutting out, what medications she was in, etc etc etc.. Like, I’m sorry that is happening, but I’m weak I would rather not be involved, you know? Some days that put me really down. Now that she died, he makes sure to tells that to everybody.His last daughter that was living with him and the wife didn’t wait a week before her mom’s death to move out…Even his daughter can’t stand him…and here I am geez.. Most would say, just quit your job…but I really like my job, they all respect what I do and most know that I’m really the one running this department, I really like that I have my husband in the same company too. So yeah..Just took my lorazepam and let’s hope for the end of the day.

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My days…

Have been doing well, I guess,..
Had an anxiety attack on Saturday, but my husband was with me so he made me feel better.
I’m going on another appointment with my psychiatrist on Friday so we will see where I am at.
I stopped taking my night-time medicine as my doctor wanted so that’s an improvement.
The bad side is that since I stopped I have been feeling very tired during the day, as I wake up many times at night and have difficulty going back to sleep. And I also have been having very bad headache, mostly on the right side of my head and middle of my forehead.
And I have been going crazy on candies to stop my anxiety, not sure if it works but makes me feel better been snaking in candy all day.
I have been gaining weight like crazy, make me feel horrible, but I don’t know how to stop it.
Have been having to buy new pants every month because I just can’t fit in th ones I have.
The bad dreams stopped, I guess the night-time medicine had something to do with it..Now I keep on having dreams but not bad..just normal, silly ones.
Have been starting thinking about having a baby..Should I? Could I?

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Upside down………?

Had a troubled night of sleep, lots of thought running through my mind..nothing bad, but kept me awake most of the night because my brain was working non-stop.
Had maybe 3 hrs of sleep, dreamed of course..Nothing bizarre..My husband,my mom and I were at a spa resort, that was familiar to me, I had been there before and I knew their schedule. I said that the dinner would probably be spaghetti.
I remember first thing when I got there I noticed that I forgot my deodorant and I was looking around to see if they had a store around so that I could buy it.
We spent some time at the pool and my husband flip-flop disappeared after we went swimming. We were a little upset about that.
We went upstairs to take a shower before dinner and the rooms were almost militar like, a bunch of bunk beds and it was dark, very dark.
I end up at the dinner by myself..don’t know why..but I was at this table with some other girls and one girl kept hitting on me, she was a butch lesbian and I remember it wasn’t my type so I wasn’t very happy about it.
So I left because people were getting drunk and I did not want to be around.
I went to get the elevator, it looked normal from the outside, but when it opened and I got inside it seemed like a lily flower (white) so I got inside, and selected my floor..the door shut and the lily turned upside down so I had to hold in a side handle because the top still had a little part open..scary!
Nothing much after that..I went to my dark room and that was it.
Doing fine at work today.I.m so impressed how much better I am doing at work, make me be scared of living without the medicines..:(

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Anxiety my old friend…

Other than my dreams, yesterday I was pretty anxious and impatient at work,wanted to shoot my boss because he wouldn’t shut up on the phone (personal calls).
Had to msg my husband and ask him to get me out of here (take me for lunch).
Today I’m okay, but I brought my anxiety medicine with me just in case.

No weird scary dream last night!! \o/
Just a plain normal dream..
My mom had built this business for my brother it seems like a video rental and in the other side used stuff for sale. And in the back there was 5 bedrooms ..really nice shaped house, all made with really nice shiny wood.
But I had one complaint..instead of having a regular stairs to go down to the rooms, from the business they had a ladder on the wall for you to go down. And I was pissed about it, I could not understand how they could have built this awesome house with a ladder..
And my grandfather (that passed away 6 years ago) was with us and was a struggle for him to make up and down these ladders.
So they decide to put a cable connecting upstairs to downstairs and you had to go though the cable …and my mom was showing how easy it was to climb the cable and I was still pissed telling how much easier would be to build a staircase.
In the end we were  upstairs, my aunt, uncle, cousins, grandma, grandpa, my mom, my brother and my husband eating deserts (there was a buffet with many deserts and salt snacks.) So me and Danny my cousin were eating deserts non-stop..I remember offering a coxinha (pastry) to my grandpa but he wasn’t feeling good..
He fell on the ground on his knees and everybody was trying to help him, his legs gave up on him.
That was interesting because about 3 years before he got diagnosed with Alzheimer’s he had a fall, and was complaining about his legs, I remember that on that week I had a  dream of seeing my grandpa sitting on his living room with his legs amputated and later on being on a wheelchair.
I woke up crying and went to sleep with my mom, she made me calm down.
Years later he would be riding the wheelchair, but he did not have his legs amputated. He did stay as a vegetable in bed for about 3 years before dying. It was very hard on my whole family and more than anything for him, as he was always an independent man, to depend on everybody for everything was hard, mom grandma said that every time they had to change his diaper or something like that he would have tears in his eyes.
At the end of the dream I remember my husband saying that he would love to live in that house. And that was about it.

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More of the same…

So yet another crazy dream..
Started out with me in a hotel (I guess) or apartment, I was going up the stairs and saw a bunch of people going around a drink machine, that was giving away free drink (alcohol) bottles..everybody was grabbing as many as they could and running away. So I grabbed a couple too, the name of one of them was Demonika and I was thinking “my love will love that one”. So I got into the elevator and It was heavy and hard to carry as I had a couple of bottles in my arms plus my big purse.
So then I get to the apartment and I see my husband with this woman in bed (it was a girl who was in college with me and I was browsing my pictures yesterday and saw one pic with her), last I heard from her she was pregnant. She was always non-sense and not really had many friends not even me, but she was always lingering with my group at school…So anyway..I walk in there and they are in bed, not naked or anything just sleeping clothes, I get an upsetting feeling but don’t say anything yet. He call me in bed as well and then I ask: WTF is that? and he goes..its fine..don’t remember the rest, but next thing I look in the middle of the comforter and there’s a baby there.. then I go: a fucking baby too? WTF?
I was really upset. I take off…go down the elevator and at this time there’s cop’s around the drink machine and they are putting cement (I know ,i know) to fix the problem..and the machine goes back to working normal again.
So I walk through the city long time, it rains, i get a little wet..I will go to an airport but can’t get any flight,so I go to my mom’s house, and we go to my grandma’s house and meet grandma and my aunt there…my aunt and grandma leave for the airport, we were doing some sort of standing by….so me and my mom are having dinner,,,I tell her to call my aunt to see if they got into the flight..it was 6:30pm..they answer and said that they didn’t, then at 8:30pm we call again and they don’t answer so we figure they got in…I get pretty anxious and I want to go to the airport get in a flight too, but my mom want me to sleep and then we go in the morning…then we are at the streets around the airport, somebody stole my purse, I’m looking in some trash, wet leaves and wrappers in the street for my passport (really upset) …….and I end up at the lobby of the apartments again..the machine is giving drinks away again..
Yep that was the dream… woke up tired again.

Now that I have more time than I had yesterday I can describe the dream from last night better too.
I was at my aunt’s house and everything looked familiar, and stuff…but the house was more kinda like my mom’s house..a big open patio on the second floor that gives a nice view of the pool.
So we are up there  (my aunt, uncle, cousins, and 3 more people or so) looking at the pool ..we have swimsuits on and towels wrapped around ourselves.
The pool is amazing, surrounded by rocks, and color spot lights, it’s night-time..
We all go swimming, except my aunt and uncle.
They are all having fun, so I got into the pool and start having fun too..something touch’s my leg, so I grab it and it’s a body, in decomposed situation..like the eyes are fog and kinda white, the skin is pale and purple-ish.
I jump out of the pool in a flash..nobody else seem to care. I notice that there’s a lot of bodies  all over the pool that I can see now because of the spotlights.
I don’t make a big fuss about it or anything..everybody seems fine about it.
Next I’m in a hotel parking lot..apparently Madonna is going to stay there..so I walk through a hotel back door and get to her room, there’s a bunch of workers there putting up food and fixing all her requests..I walked in there feeling confident and I ask if they got her the cheese she asked.  (I was lying that I was her assistant)
Next thing I walk to my car put a swimsuit on and walk to an area of the hotel where it seems that it was a garden that has been flooded, and a lot of famous people are swimming there..I remember swimming with Eric “from True Blood” and thinking that he was a big guy.
The water was strong in there…like an ocean so It kept dragging me around and turning me upside down..it made me tired again when I woke up. I have a headache too.

I have been noticing that my dreams always have something that got into my mind for a second or two during the day..Like the picture of the girl..I was just browsing though my pics, so I looked at it for like 2 sec and did not though anything about it…then Eric I saw it on the show and remember making a comment to my husband..”his hands are huge” when he touched Sookies face. Don’t know where Madonna came from or bodies …??? There is a lot of more details to the dream..but if I was going to write it all would be like a movie. There’s a lot of feelings and emotions that I strongly feel, and even smells and touches, familiar feeling, weird feelings, etc..

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I’m back!!!

Had a great vacation. Cancun is great, got to relax a lot. Feeling like I recharged my batteries. Feeling better, but came back and had to catch up on work and started taking some classes in Plano (about an hour drive from home). The classes are mandatory but SOOOOOO boring I can barely stay awake. I get also highly agitated, anxious, have no patience as they go over and over the same thing 3 days in a row (specially because those days are my Friday night, whole Saturday/Sunday morning to evening.

Other than that I have been doing great, been wanting to stop my medicines probably in November, I have a return to my psychiatrist next month so I will check what does she thing about me getting off the meds and maybe try therapy or something like that. Want to start over, and stronger without meds. God help me.

Last weekend I dreamed twice with snakes. Yesterday I dreamed with an awesome pretty pool, but it had bodies of dead people on it. I was swimming on it..but once I realized the bodies I got off and was disgusted. Again I have not had any thought of suicide or hurting myself…don’t understand why I keep on having those weird dreams.. My creativity has been over the top lately. The dreams are long and full of details..I even wake up tired after all night dreaming. Jeez…

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